


A Family Friendly Guide on Matchmaking Your Boss

by celiaxan



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Bad Matchmaking, Chatting & Messaging, Family, Family Dynamics, Fire, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Matchmaking, but they would die for one another no questions asked, i hope you enjoy my dice, i've never met any two siblings that absolutely love each other, me writing a fic that isn't somewhat chatfic? very unlikely, my obsession with coffee shop aesthetics is seeping into my fics oh no, none of them are cishet, there is an attempt at a meme, they all seem like they hate each other but hey, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29690409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celiaxan/pseuds/celiaxan
Summary: Blood Diamond: Who would the boyfriend even be?Blood Diamond: All he does is work his weird night job, whine about being bored, and talk about Shuichithe ACE: …I AM NOT CISHET FUCK YOU: Are you blind?Or: DICE attempts to matchmake their sibling/boss, but it doesn't go as planned. obviously.
Relationships: Oma Kokichi & DICE, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 13
Kudos: 80





	A Family Friendly Guide on Matchmaking Your Boss

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO !! i toss this fic at you with the speed of a crocodile. 
> 
> i will attempt to explain some DICE characters, so you won't be completely lost 
> 
> (this list is from youngest to oldest) their ages range between 14-21  
> Jester: (she/her) when optimism and sugar meets great acting skills (does speak in third person)  
> Spades: (he/him) healthy masculinity as a person. (a delinquent but with six-inch platforms and ballet classes)  
> Clubs: (they/he) the equivalent of an angsty teen with discord mod privileges (lives in games)  
> Ace: (they/them) asshole but respectable (is that coffee addicted insomniac)  
> Diamonds: (she/they) probably calls murder cute (ever met someone that can tell the difference between saw movies by the screams? well now you have)  
> Jack: (he/him) asshole that will never meet his true ass potential bc of his fuckboy haircut (everyone calls him cishet bc HA j a c k)  
> Hearts: (he/they) the glue of the team, hates crime (but is still the getaway driver)  
> King: (he/him) "silence is the best chaos" - king at some point idk he never talks  
> Queen: (they/she) would 100% dropkick a child. cannot do basic household chores but is the mother figure
> 
> DICE does some petty crime in this au. yes, they were orphans. yes, queen adopted them all as soon as they turned 18.   
> enjoy <3

**_Boss’s Big Surprise!!_ **

**_3:26 AM_ **

**the ACE:** and i am TELLING YOU that it won’t work

**the ACE:** u think boss is gonna like smth like that ??

**Blood Diamond:** Well we won’t know until we try!!

**JESTERRR:** JESTER WANTS TO KNOW WHATS HAPPENING

**Blood Diamond:** Oh! Hello Jester, dear!

**the ACE:** hey

**clubs you over the head:** JESTER YOU BUFFOON

**clubs you over the head:** you just got your phone back and now you’re pulling this shit of texting at 3 AM??

**clubs you over the head:** queen will not hesitate to take it again

**JESTERRR:** BOOO YOU WORRY TOO MUCH CLUBS :(

**JESTERRR:** TELL JESTER??

**JESTERRR:** Wait this isn’t the usual dice server????

**clubs you over the head:** jester without caps what crimes will she commit

**JESTERRR:** *WAIT THIS ISNT THE USUAL DICE SERVER????

**JESTERRR:** CAPS DEFINES WHO JESTER IS :D

**Blood Diamond:** Dear Jester! We are brainstorming on how to help Boss! He always helps us in some way, so I thought it would be nice to return the favor!

**JESTERRR:** AWW THATS SO SWERT

**JESTERRR:** *SWEET

**all hail the queen:** Hello children

**the ACE:** oh shit

**clubs you over the head:** QUEEN IS IN THIS CHAT?!?!?

**Blood Diamond:** Yes, ahaha! Did I forget to mention?

**clubs you over the head:** yes you  _ conveniently _ forgot

**JESTERRR:** HIII QUEEN

**clubs you over the head:** every day you feel the need to tempt death over and over

**all hail the queen:** While I admire that you are planning this for Boss, you shouldn’t sacrifice your sleep over it

**the ACE:** lmao you think we’re sacrificing our sleep for this ??

**the ACE:** i can guarantee we all usually stay up this late 

**clubs you over the head:** omg he lowkey right tho

**JESTERRR:** WHAT

**JESTERRR:** JESTER WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING

**all hail the queen:** Hm. I see

**I AM NOT CISHET FUCK YOU:** You insufferable maggots.  _ Some  _ of us need our beauty sleep, so for the love of everything that is pure: BE QUIET AND STOP TEXTING. GO TO SLEEP.

**clubs you over the head:** i am not listening to a str8 person lmaoo

**I AM NOT CISHET FUCK YOU:** Do not test me.

**JESTERRR:** GOODNIGHT EVERYONE :DD !!

**I AM NOT CISHET FUCK YOU:** Thank you, Jester.

**clubs you over the head:** ughhh fine sleep tight!

**all hail the queen:** Do not let the bedbugs bite!

**the ACE:** t

**the ACE:** tonight.

**clubs you over the head:** imma fight

**the ACE:** till we see the sunlight

**clubs you over the head:** tick tock

**the ACE:** on the clock

**clubs you over the head:** but the party don’t stop

**I AM NOT CISHET FUCK YOU:** I MEAN IT.

**the ACE:** yessir

**_Boss’s Big Surprise!!_ **

**_9:24 AM_ **

**cool spades:** YOOO WHAT HAPPENED HERE

**cool spades:** I??? ALWAYS??? MISS??? THE??? COOL??? TALKS???

**Blood Diamond:** Nevermind that. What in the world is your nickname?

**cool spades:** It’s like cool shades bro dude. But like. Spades. 

**cool spades:** Get it? Because it’s my name?

**cool spades:** Okay but you have no room to judge me diamonds

**Blood Diamond:** I thought it was cute! Did you know it’s based on a horror film too? Super cute!

**the ACE:** DIAMONDS, I TOLD YOU BOSS WOULDN'T LIKE IT

**cool spades:** And that’s my cue to leave

**Blood Diamond:** What did I do now? 

**the ACE:** okay so i approached boss with like my phone in my hand, i have like this new case, super cool, it’s like aliens with coffee mugs and glitter. i only got it for like $3.99 too, so it was a real deal. 

**the ACE:** and i walked up to boss and i showed him the movie trailer and he was like “gorey” and i was like “lol ikr” and he was using my fucking purple cup. i paid good money for that shit?? 

**the ACE:** then he was like “are you gonna watch it then” and snarkily bc he took my fucking purple cup and probably my mascara and eyeliner too, i said: “what’s it to you, fuckwad?” 

**the ACE:** anyways he got mad and ten times cockier so that’s a big fat no 

**Blood Diamond:** Ace, no offense, but you’re the worst storyteller/negotiator I’ve ever met in my life. 

**Blood Diamond:** It’s sad that we have to let go of this idea, I was really looking forward to that movie. 

**I AM NOT CISHET FUCK YOU:** May I intervene?

**the ACE:** sure jack, i’d like to see what the heterosexual cissie has to say

**I AM NOT CISHET FUCK YOU:** Ignoring that. Diamonds, I would have to say that you’re too focused on what you want, and not what Boss would want. 

**the ACE:** oh wig ??

**I AM NOT CISHET FUCK YOU:** We need someone that’s preferably  _ not _ emotionally constipated, and actually listens.

**Hearts <3:** to be fair, i was looking forward to that movie too 

**the ACE:** HE WAS SUMMONED

**I AM NOT CISHET FUCK YOU:** This will suffice. 

**Blood Diamond:** Hearts :D !

**Hearts <3:** yesyes?

**Blood Diamond:** What do you think Boss would like for a surprise gift?

**Hearts <3: ** hmmm interesting question

**Hearts <3:** well based on how he’s been whining about how he’s so bored for the past few weeks, maybe we can get him a friend? or boyfriend?

**the ACE:** psh why not just buy him another toy ??

**Hearts <3:** and have him break it within a day again?

**the ACE:** good point

**Blood Diamond:** Who would it even be?

**Blood Diamond:** All he does is work his weird night job, whine about being bored, and talk about Shuichi

**the ACE:** … 

**I AM NOT CISHET FUCK YOU:** Are you blind?

**Blood Diamond:** What do you mean?

**Blood Diamond:** Oh!

**Blood Diamond:** Maybe he met someone at his night job?

**the ACE:** heaaaaaaarts

**Hearts <3:** on it!

**Hearts <3:** dear, it’s shuichi :]

**Blood Diamond:** Ohhh! 

**Blood Diamond:** That makes more sense.

**the ACE:** okay, now we just have to tell everyone!

**clubs you over the head:** lolll back from the backread

**clubs you over the head:** jester and spades are playing genshin with me so i’ll just tell them

**clubs you over the head:** also overheard that kokichi’s hanging out with shuichi around 3 lmao

**Blood Diamond:** Perfect! We can use that! 

**Blood Diamond:** Where’s King and Queen?

**the ACE:** king’s probably stalking the chat

**I AM NOT CISHET FUCK YOU:** @king 

**yes you are jack:** hey

**the ACE:** you caught up ??

**yes you are jack:** yup

**I AM NOT CISHET FUCK YOU:** I will never get over how you always seem to be here but never speak. 

**yes you are jack:** it’s a lifestyle

**Blood Diamond:** Wait. If we’re all here, where’s Queen?

**the ACE:** wait,,,

**the ACE:** you don’t think,,,

**clubs you over the head:** THE SPRINKLERS ARE ON 

**the ACE:** OH NO QUEENS COOKING

**Hearts <3** : okay everyone! you all know the drill! 

**clubs you over the head:** of course we do, this happens like every week

Saturday afternoon. A cool breeze. Sun shining through fixed windows. All normal things in a coffee shop. 

Ah, and of course the three people buried in magazines that hide their obnoxious mustaches. 

“Were these disguises really necessary?” Spades asked, tugging his pink sunhat down. 

“Of course,” Clubs answered, adjusting their monocle. “You’ve got to really commit to the role.”

“Jester thinks she looks cool!” Jester said enthusiastically, braiding her long brown hair in a messy bun. 

“Everyone, shut up,” Jack directed through an earpiece. “They’re coming.”

Hearts had actually spoken to Kokichi earlier about his hang-out with Shuichi, being that he’s one of the only people that get past all the lying and teasing without even batting an eye. From what they knew, Kokichi and Shuichi were going to study in the local coffee shop, then go for crepes. 

It was a simple schedule, but they knew they could make it work. 

No, they  _ had _ to make it work. 

“Get into position,” Jack impatiently spat, straight to the point. 

Everyone had separated into groups of three. King, Jack, and Hearts were simple observers that gave orders for the plan (seeing as they were the only ones that knew what said plan was in the first place). Jester, Spades, and Clubs were disguised as customers while Diamonds, Queen, and Ace were disguised as workers. 

Where King got them the coffee shop aprons and work shifts, they had no idea, but they knew better than to question anything King did anymore. 

“Hello!” Queen said in their fake-nice voice. “What can I get for you today?” 

“Shumai, look!” Kokichi jumped, excitedly. “They have apple pie!” 

Shuichi brightened at the mention of his favorite dessert, “We’ll take two apple pies please.”

“Anything else?” Queen asked while Jack repeated dialogue in the earpiece over and over again. 

At this point,  _ are you ready _ doesn’t even sound like an English phrase anymore. 

“Yeah! One black coffee and one caramel macchiato with no-ice, double frosting, skip on the strawberries, double whipped cream, add strawberries, extra caramel, and chocolate syrup’d,” Kokichi ordered in one breath. “Your signature bubble tea is good too, I guess.”

Queen didn’t even try to take the order down and simply nodded like they were in a daze. Jack loudly coughed into the earpiece, bringing Queen back to the Land of the Living, “Right. We’re also doing an event where you can get a 20% discount if we take your photo, and put it on our couple’s wall,” Queen gestured towards the very low-budget and last-minute cardboard stand with random couples on it. She sighed seeing that Jack didn’t even bother cropping out the stock photo credits. 

The two looked between each other, giving several questioning glances as if they were exchanging secrets with only their minds. Finally, Kokichi impulsively slammed on the counter, “We’ll do it.”

Queen nodded and gestured towards Diamonds with the camera.

“You guys are soo cute~!” Diamonds gushed, wincing slightly as Jack scolded her to stay in character. “I mean- Get closer, you two.”

There was a bit of shuffling before Kokichi just sat in Shuichi’s lap, ignoring how the latter’s face completely flushed in return. 

“Yes~! Just like that,” Diamonds said, stalling for time, suddenly realizing that she had no idea how to operate the camera. “Mhm. Perfect. Yes.” 

Six seconds of uninterrupted stress occurred before she whipped out her phone in defeat and snapped the picture on there instead, “Done! Enjoy your meal~!” 

Ace sighed in disappointment from the kitchen. Being the only one with experience, they were assigned to make the actual drinks, but now they wished that they backed out when they had the chance (not that anyone would’ve let them, but it was therapeutic to regret choices one never had). 

_ Whatever, _ they thought, retreating to the drink station, and taking out their phone.

_ Now… what’s a macchiato?  _

_ * _

King groaned out loud, making Jack flinch. 

“What?” King asked. 

“Nothing,” Jack sneered, and then went back to look at his monitor. Their group was in the storage closet, as it was actually quite spacious. Not completely sound-proof, but as long as they didn’t yell, they would be fine. “Just forgot you were there.”

Grunting in acknowledgment, King continued, “This is embarrassing to watch.”

Jack raised an eyebrow but didn’t question King past that. 

Hearts ignored the growing tension in the room, and instead gasped, “Ten bucks that Jester’s going to  _ hate _ her role!”

*

Jester hated her role. 

That was an understatement in itself. She absolutely despised it. 

She had known something was up when they gave her a gaudy, tacky headmistress outfit (Diamond’s words), along with more binders filled with paper than she’d ever need in her lifetime. 

Except they weren’t papers. 

At a closer glance, they were zipped bags made to fill the appearance of papers. And inside the zipped bags?

Rose petals. 

A moment of quiet realization hit Jester. 

But doubt! There was no way her siblings would do this to her! Absolutely not! 

And then Jack spoke up, “-am straight in! Do not hesitate, that will make it look less realistic.”

Jester blinked, “What?” 

Some shuffling (and some soft yelling) occurred before Hearts called her name, “Jester, we just want you to unzip the bags! That’s all!” 

Jester let out a breath of relief which was then ruined when Jack snorted, “Also trip into Boss.”

“Nooo!” Jester whined. “Why can’t Spades or Clubs do it?”

“Uno,” Spades said in the background to Clubs’ frustration. 

“Goddammit,” Clubs cursed, almost bending all his fourteen cards. “I bet you have a wild card left too.”

“Well to be honest for once,” Jack sighed after hearing that conversation, and Jester knew that was absolute bullshit. Jack is always  _ too _ honest. “I doubt they have the acting skills to pull it off.”

“Yo,” Spades growled. “You’re still in the main VC, dick.”

Jack ignored him, “Got the plan?” 

Jester rolled her eyes, a sign of confirmation, even if she wasn’t happy about it, “What are you even doing then?” she asked Spades and Clubs. 

Clubs held up a camera, “I’m taking pictures for the family album. If I get a good shot of this next scene, Queen will put it on the Christmas card and pay me double, so do your job well.”

_ Well, that explains his photographer get-up _ , Jester thought and turned towards Spades, “You?”

“I’m the hype-man.” 

“He’s good at his job too,” Clubs added. 

“Thanks, Clubs! You’re good at your job too!” Spades said enthusiastically. 

Before Jester had the chance to ask what that meant (because Spades doesn’t like anything unless it’s illegal), she was swept by a large group of teenagers (already unappealing by itself) on their way out. It brought her closer to Shuichi and Kokichi, and she prayed for a second that she’d be knocked into them by otherworldly forces, but they ultimately betrayed when she was just pushed  _ closer _ . 

Great. She still had to push into them by her own will. 

_ Well then, here goes.  _

Papers. Flew. Everywhere. 

Zipped bags. Whatever. 

Rose petals fell to her feet, but her eyes stared into the floor. 

“I’m so sorry!” Jester heard her mouth say, but if she didn’t recognize the own sound of her voice, she wouldn’t have even known it was her who said it. 

And oh, she looked up just to see rose petals floating down from the ceiling that weren’t even from her bags (Queen must have gotten into the attic compartment), Shuichi caught Kokichi before he fell, and between the mess, Jester heard a camera snap. 

Kokichi, still in Shuichi’s arms, stayed flushed as the two looked into each other’s eyes. Both staying so embarrassed, they couldn’t respond to the apology. 

Basic, honestly, and Jester was quickly getting second-hand embarrassment. 

It seemed like Kokichi was willingly clinging to Shuichi’s arm as they ignored the world around them except for each other. 

The crowd of teenagers in the door were suddenly watching. 

Jester felt the overwhelming awkwardness as a mere bystander on the tip of her skin, sizzling and screaming for help. The crowd was quickly taking out their phones, and for some reason, rose petals were still coming. 

Seven seconds sure were long when you were in the middle of a crisis, and  _ oh, did Queen raid my rose garden-? _

“Just kiss already!” 

Someone shouted. It was Jack. 

Jester had never been more thankful than in that moment where Jack- asshole at night, hero by day- screamed what  _ everyone _ was thinking. 

“Wait- Jack?” Kokichi screamed, daze broken, and ready to be sold in the Farmer’s Market as a tomato. 

A beat. 

“He’s right, you know,” Clubs said afterward, breaking the stunned silence. 

“Clubs?!”

“Do I stop on the rose petals now?” 

“Was that Queen?” Kokichi asked, flabbergasted. “What’s going on h-?”

Kokichi didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence when Shuichi cut him off with a short (and sweet, but that doesn’t mean Jester was watching, no no) kiss. 

“Sorry…” Shuichi said when they separated. “You were talking too much.”

And by the look on Kokichi’s face, he didn’t even realize it was a lowkey insult, “Just say I’m annoying next time instead of _ kissing me in front of everyone! _ ” 

Shuichi hummed, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Meanwhile, everyone was overjoyed. 

“Yo!” Spades yelled. “Did you get that, Clubs?”

“Oh, you better bet I did.”

“You guys!” Hearts screamed excitedly. “I’m so proud.”

“These bitches gay! Good for them, good for them,” Ace meme’d, and everyone rolled their eyes. 

King stayed quiet, but he always did, so there was nothing new there. He appeared to have the smallest of smiles on his face though. 

Shuichi smiled and introduced himself to everyone, this being his first time meeting all of Kokichi’s family he already heard so much about. 

Jack wasn’t convinced, talking to himself because no one else would, “From what we’ve seen, Shuichi isn’t bold enough to make the first move… Especially like that…”

“Hm?” Shuichi overheard. “But isn’t it normal for couples to randomly kiss?” 

_ What. _

King snorted out loud. 

“What?” Diamonds asked, echoing Jester’s thought. 

“Wait, wait, wait!” Kokichi said, getting everyone’s attention. “From what I understand, you all gathered here to set me up… with my boyfriend?”

“Well when you put it like that, it makes us sound stupid,” Clubs commented while scrolling through pictures on his phone ( _ wait, then why did he bring the computers and camera stands-? _ ). “This is  _ so _ going in the Christmas cards.”

“You guys are dating?!” Jester shouted out in confusion after gathering all of her thoughts (which took more effort than originally anticipated). 

“You!” Jack screamed at King amidst the confusion. “You knew about this, didn’t you? You and your-  _ your- _ brain juice that enjoys watching people- no,  _ me _ \- suffer through insufficient information!” 

“Yeah,” King replied. 

Jack sighed, “Well played. I’m putting hot sauce in your ice cream later.”

Through the commotion, Hearts gestured towards the exit, “This is super sweet, but we have to go before the police get here. Again.”

“Police?” Kokichi asked, slightly amused. “What did you guys do without your good old leader?” 

Shuichi, not as amused, added onto that. “Nothing too serious, I hope?”

“Yeah, no worries,” Ace said. “We just hijacked a random cafe to set you two up. It’s chill.”

“That doesn’t sound chill!” 

“I would like at least one of our family expeditions to end without the police getting involved,” Hearts muttered while starting up the car (that just barely fit eleven people). 

“So,” Kokichi started, once they were on the road. “Crepes?” 

*

“Wait, that’s not how it went at all,” Ace argued back. 

“Yes, it was,” Clubs sighed, shuffling through stacks of papers before pulling out a couple and handed them to Ace. “I took the pictures, so I have evidence to back me up. What do you have? Your shitty memory?”

“For a kid with a bowl-cut, you sure talk big,” Ace muttered. 

“Heard that,” Clubs said. “Also, I’m only a year younger than you, old hag.”

“Children, stop arguing,” Queen softly lectured. “If you’re not going to help with the Christmas tree, then at least put together the album.”

“Queen!” Diamonds whined. “I said that the gold was for  _ tinsel _ , NOT for ornaments~!” 

“Hey, Jester, come take a stab at this,” Ace called out. “Was Kokichi redder or was Shuichi?” 

“We are  _ not _ having this discussion right now!” Kokichi shouted from the living room. 

“Oh, we so are,” Ace replied, turning back to Jester. “So?”

Jester sorted through the pictures, and without hesitation- “Kokichi.”

A big groan came from the living room (Kokichi) while yells of ‘Told you so!’ (Ace) and ‘Jester, we are no longer Roblox buddies’ (Clubs) floated across the room. 

“What even was your actual plan?” Kokichi asked through the chaotic argument. “To sprinkle rose petals, and we’d suddenly fall in love?”

“It always works in those sappy romantic movies though,” Ace said. 

“MY LIFE ISN’T A MOVIE?” Kokichi screamed, confused to the point of hysterical laughter. 

Ignoring that, Jester kept going through the small stack of photos before stopping on one particular picture. It was one taken above the cafe, showing Clubs smiling mischievously at Spades, emptying their entire hand of cards (to Spade’s bewilderment) in a thrilling turnaround game of Uno. 

Jester, herself, stood like a deer in headlights while Kokichi and Shuichi were stuck in each other’s eyes. The crowd by the door was confused, making the scene funnier. 

Queen looked down from the ceiling, rose petals in their pockets. Diamonds and Ace high-fived in the background of the kitchen while also clinking their frappuccinos like distinguished gentlemen. 

King passed Hearts twenty dollars, and Jack looked like he was on the verge of a heart attack. 

All in all, it was a brilliant picture, not talent-wise, but more of capturing a memory in time forever-wise. 

_ Wait… _

“Clubs,” Jester said, still staring at the picture, poking Clubs in the shoulder. “How did you get pictures from this angle, you were sitting on the opposite side of the wall. Not to mention, you’re _ in  _ the picture yourself.”

Clubs laughed to himself. “Yeah. About that. I kinda hacked into cafe security cameras.”

“Wha-  _ Clubs! _ ”

**Author's Note:**

> I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS !!!
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated, thank you for reading <33
> 
> insta: celia.xan  
> twitter: celia_xan


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